Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
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DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.