Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

Breaking news:

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”