Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.