Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
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Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun