Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
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[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?