Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
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I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy