Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
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Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
SPLOOT
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.