Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
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[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
New menu item
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”