Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

first responders? you mean reply guys?

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water