Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

This made me chuckle.

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s