Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
#merica
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.