Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.