cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
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I have never in my life learned from another personβs mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didnβt, youβd be able to get them
Dog: Hey, Iβm just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Sorry I lied when I said βI canβt complain.β
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
βGood day, sir. Iβd heard youβd recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.β
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I canβt even close my suitcase!!
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them Iβm married.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
βCleanβ my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
If you donβt have a birth certificate YOU WERENβT BORN π
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.