cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
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Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!