cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
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Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
*mops up wine with cat*
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.