Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.

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When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.


Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing


I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe


Daughter 1: Dad, I’m lesbian. Daughter 2: Me too
dad. Dad: Doesn’t anyone like guys here? Son: I


Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.


I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.


Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!


My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.


Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’

Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’

Grandad: ‘Half past three.’