Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
You Might Also Like
No, I don’t think I will.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.