When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Daughter 1: Dad, I’m lesbian. Daughter 2: Me too
dad. Dad: Doesn’t anyone like guys here? Son: I
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’
Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’
Grandad: ‘Half past three.’