Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?

girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes

me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.