Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

Best seat on the street 😍

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp