Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
You Might Also Like
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Festive toon…
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
