Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
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Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
