Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
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I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.