Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
That was easy.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’