Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
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People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Wait for it
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad