Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
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Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt