Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

never ask a starfish for directions

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier