*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
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*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Every work call, he judges.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared