*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
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Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Can Happiness buy money?
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
Every time.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
you’re damn right i have
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.