*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
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Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami