Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

*puts my mental health in rice

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks