Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”