Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

Pringles

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.