Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
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acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’