Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.