Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh