Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

🤫

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.