Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.