Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
You Might Also Like
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science