Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

*jingles half the way*

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

I’m not proud

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.