[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
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My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Happy Taco Tuesday
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol