Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*