Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
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It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Me checking my bank balance online.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.