cats when you pet them too long:
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*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
My favorite female superhero
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]