cats when you pet them too long:
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Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.