Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
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Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
This will never not be funny 😭
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
weird email i got today
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.