Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.