Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.