Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.