cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
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My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
we’re dead?
I only eat vegetarians.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.