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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
my favorite gender
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding