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Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Very good! 👍😂
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*