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huge if true: the moon
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Software Development ⛵️
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.