#CatsOnTwitter
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Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
No. YOU-buprofen.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..