#Caturday
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Look at this
I’d love this…lol
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶