#Caturday
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It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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My safe word is Worcestershire
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.