#Caturday
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The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Wednesday
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?