#Caturday
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When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.