#Caturday
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[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.