#Caturday
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Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
🐟✨ #re4
