#Caturday
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock