#Caturday
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I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground