#Caturday
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Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?