#Caturday
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If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I don’t believe him.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
rest in peas
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?