#Caturday
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my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
He has no idea 🤡
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous