#Caturday
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70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
“I’m helping” 😅
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
