#Caturday
You Might Also Like
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Challenge accepted.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.