#Caturday
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Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Lmfao
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.