Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

Every house has this drawer

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.