Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
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I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
#growingpains
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Still cracks me up
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers