Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
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Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Maybe Einstein also had a secret Twitter account where he argued with Marie Curie about why uranium is overrated and she needs to have more chidren
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”