*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
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I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know